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Thought 49: Clone of Your Own

Skit: "A guide on how to clone oneself"

[name] Here. Have you ever found yourself needing a second set of hands [examples of hard tasks], but the help just doesn't quite understand you. Well have I got the perfect solution, a clone. With a clone, for better or worse, at least you'll exactly what kind of help you've got.

But, [name], I do not have a expensive bio-science lab with cloning tanks. Well then have I got the cheap home-grown-clone-kit for you, and I already know that it works, but more on that later.

If you're like me, you come home filthy at the end the day and need a bath, which is where incidentally I do most of my best thinking. One day it struck me, one of those running down the street naked ideas, that I was wasting all of those skin cells and bits of hair at the bottom of the tub. If only there were some way I could utilize those cells to make a clone of myself. What I needed was an organic filter to capture all of that lovely biological material and help it grow. That right when the idea of using bread came to mind, not the ordinary kind of bread, that kind of bread that's been sitting on the counter for week and has become rock solid, either that or hard as rock kind made by Pierre down the street. (Hold up a piece of bread). The bread will be spongy enough to let the water flow through, while collecting all of the hair and skin, plus it'll provide nutrients for your newly growing clone.

Now, what you do is place the bread at the drain of the tub, careful to make sure its large enough not to go down the drain, or clog it up, first time I did this, backed up the whole septic system, what a mess that was. Any-who, once the bread's in place, you wait.

After about a week you'll start see signs of your clone start to form. (hold up a piece of moldy bread, covered in hair).

In about a month or in it starts to take a more organic form. (pull some green borax and glue from a bowl.) Now at this point you might want to start bathing with a mask to help keep back the smell. To be honest, I was not sure which was worse, the clone's or mine.

In a couple more months, it'll start bubbling, taking shape, and taking up the whole tub. Oh! And if you feel something bite you, it just means that clone needed a little bit of blood, and it's time to get a second tub! (dry ice mix, or air pump, in cornstarch-water mix to make the whole mess bubble, but still be a liquid, add some solidish objects, like plastic bones to make it start looking real, mix red and green food coloring.)

And finally after 8 months, if your wife, or the paranormal investigators do not put a swift end to your alter self, you'll have improved on the normal human process by one month, and have my friend here. (reveal monster and shake hands with monster).

A chip of old block, if you ask me. (fade, with monster eating our orator).

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